Shit Storm

I'm not doing so well at the moment.

I can't really put my finger on it, but when it rains it pours right?

I'm not sure where to start it all. But I have a constant thread running through my mind in the second and third person narrating my own story. I know I need to write it all down, whether to be an interesting read in my Alzheimer old age or just as a love story of life to my Adam down the road.

Every day we say to each other things like "We're doing it [living our dreams]" or "...for the rest of your life" as in the reminder that we may annoy the absolute crap out of each other but it's forever as far as either of us is concerned. That is the sunshine of my day.

But coupled with days of free moments studying and still not feeling confident of "chalking it all up to this one defining test of the rest of my freaking life" - that is my looming final - where my life (my grade is hanging right on the needed "C") seems to hang in the balance ... in despite of it all, that I really know I have no test taking skills. Oh God, I moan, and my final is from the American Chemistry Society's assessment of the first year of Organic Chemistry. Should be easy right?

Most people would say yes, because well, it's multiple choice. I hate multiple choice. Let me put it this way, I narrow it down to the 2 closest correct answers, where 1 of them is correct. 50% of THAT time I pick the wrong one. And to reiterate this as proof, last year I scored exactly 50% on my final in this same freaking class! And I know this subject!

Last year a family member died, I didn't have a job, and I got a nasty high ankle sprain. Let me say so nasty the doctors winced, every doctor and I saw quite a few them paying cash out of pocket with no insurance, just to find out I have high blood pressure and have to pay even more! I couldn't START walking until the end of July and it happened at the beginning of April.

This year I'm dealing with an almost too demanding job (trust me I'm making dumb mistakes that are fairly critical and ask "oh where did my brain go?"), a friend that is dealing with divorce, a friend dealing with suicide, sheep that are running rampant (this isn't as funny as it sounds ... they are only 7 weeks old and I worry about their welfare of a real possibility of getting killed by a dog) that we can't find not to mention spent hundreds of dollars on. I also got my financial records nearly seized, lost my online identity, and well more I shouldn't discuss because that's even more private to others. Not to mention the computer that got a nasty virus and shut down before my last exam with oh, 40% of the info I needed to review.

And get this, all that happened in the last two weeks.

When I'm telling my professor as each thing happens, he lends with a sympathetic ear "Wow, it really does seem like I would feel like all the forces would be against you passing organic chemistry once and for all."

The thing, I've spent over 80,000 dollars (a low ball estimate) of my parents and mostly my money (still have 18k loans) trying to get this degree; and this is the last class I need.

I could have backed out with a BA instead of BS years and years ago, and forwent all the frustration and extra thousands and thousands of dollars. But you know what, my brain made me think I would have been a quitter. I mean, I already changed from the program I initially started in school. No matter that it was the program I switched TO that I thought I was initially enrolled in.

What the hell am I supposed to do with my life? I have a job unrelated to my degree, a degree I'm about to finish and probably not use, dreams of businesses I want to start with no equity, and again, SHEEP we can't find!

My boss tells me to ease up on myself because I've only been in her office for about 6 months and that well, it DID take almost 5 years for her last master processor to get the job down; but somehow I just feel like I'm slacking.